Sheppard & McKay's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy
by princessangelwings
Summary: title says it all. If you can think of any other ideas for future 'guides' let me know!
1. Chapter 1

Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy: part 1

_Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy: part 1_

"_So, you've gotten yourself kidnapped?"_

First thing: Don't panic.

Seriously, I know it's hard, but do not panic. Worse comes to worse, we'll find you.

We WILL get you home.

The rest of this publication is split into 2 sections, one for the 'Goons' and one for the 'Geeks'.

Goons

If you don't bring your geek home, don't even bother. No really, your life will not be worth living if you leave your geek behind. McKay will ensure that nothing works in your room. And me? I'll kill you.

Keep your geek calm. If he panics, you can guarantee his mouth will become disconnected from his oversized brain. Location of earth? Sure, I'll draw you a map.

Keep your geek as caffeinated as humanly possible (I carry pro-plus just in case). If he's twitchy, he can't fix the door or find an escape route for you.

DO NOT ANTAGONISE YOUR CAPTORS! If you are incapacitated, who's going look after your geek?

Keep your mouth shut. You know nothing. But, don't be smart about it – this leads to being beaten.

And finally; Stay positive; trust your team.

Geeks

Do not lose your goon. He's dumb, thinks he can give you order and smells bad, but he's only trying to KEEP YOU SAFE. Bring you goon home or I will make your life unbearable. You WILL lose the will to live, if you let your goon get hurt.

Keep an eye on your goon as you work to get yourselves free. He is likely to try some ill-conceived heroics and hurt himself. A damaged goon is neither use nor ornament.

Keep yourself and your assigned goon well fed (I carry power bars and snickers). If he's being stupid and says he's not hungry, tell him you don't like that flavour.

DO NOT ANTAGONISE YOUR CAPTORS! Being punched, kicked etc is NOT fun. Not in any way, shape, size or form. More importantly, any good bad guy knows, that the best way to get you to fix things for him (and you can guarantee it's YOUR brain power they want) is not to hit you, but to BEAT YOUR GOON INTO A STICKY PASTE.

Keep you mouth shut. I know it's hard, but deal with it.

If you happen to find any decent ancient toys, bring them home too.

**THE GOLDEN RULE: take care of each other. **

**Your team your life. **

Don't panic: NO ONE GETS LEFT BEHIND 

_Brought to you by_

_Dr R. McKay and Lt Col Sheppard_


	2. Chapter 2

Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy: part 2

"So, your goon thinks he's Kirk?"

First thing: don't panic

Do not feel insecure about you own ability to pull sexy aliens

You ARE a good catch.

The rest of this publication is split into 2 sections, one for the 'goons' and one for the 'geeks'.

Goons

You will make stupid mistakes while distracted by her lovely… assets. Mistakes ARE bad. They lead to giving away secrets and pissed off scientists.

Seriously, spaces STD are no laughing matter. Just take my word for it.

LISTEN when your geek tells you she has an ulterior motive: SHE DOES! She is not interested in your… assets. Or your hair.

Avoid the chief's daughters, and on some worlds sons, the chief will want you to marry his daughter (or son) if you are caught staring. You are NOT allowed to come home from a mission with a new wife. I will rip you a new one.

Do you have any idea how much paper work is involved with explaining why you, as a member of the United States Marine Corp, have a new husband? I am not doing it. Send me a postcard from Leavenworth.

Geeks

Watch your goon on missions. If the eyebrow goes up, and the charming smile comes out, you're in danger. He IS dumb enough to fall for the sexy alien priestess/King's daughter/un-ascended wannabe etc.

You can guarantee she is not after him for his cunning ability to raise his eyebrow approvingly, smile charmingly, while simultaneously leaning on things. She DOES have an ulterior motive, which WILL END BADLY FOR YOU.

He is stupid enough to NOT LISTEN to reason. You will need to PROTECT HIM from himself. This may or may not include sleepless nights worrying, arguing with him, being sneaky or launching a Search & Rescue to go and save his Unevolved, ungrateful ass. Again.

Make sure you have condoms. Space genital herpes are fun for no one. If he's irritable because his, erm… package is itchy and painful, he will take it out on you.

Paper work. Get your own back with the paper work. Naturally, your version of events as to why the fool has a new husband is the most accurate and detailed. Laugh with mirth as he tries to worm his way out of it – trust me, he'll think twice before Kirk-ing again.

XXX

thanks to Dema, Crystalball and Sgakaz for this guide suggestion.

if you have any ideas for another guide, let me know.


	3. Chapter 3

thanks to Shaviva who made this suggestion.

keep em coming. thank you very much to everyone who has reviewed - it makes me write faster! lol

Sheppard and McKay's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy: Part 3

"So, you've touched an Ancient Device?"

First thing: Don't panic

I know, we keep saying it but DO NOT PANIC

We (Col Sheppard & Dr McKay) have lots of experience with this, so remain calm

The medics can put you back together, more or less the way you were.

The rest of this publication is split in to two sections, one for the 'Goons' and one for the 'geeks'.

Goons

You numpty. You didn't listen to your geek did you - How many times have you seen me or McKay in the infirmary after touching crap?! LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES. Please.

Go to the infirmary right now! Get a load of needles suck in your ass and contemplate how ridiculously moronic YOU ARE! I don't enjoy shouting at you – don't touch stuff and I won't haul your ass into the gym to 'spar' with Ronon. You get me?

Okay I'm done shouting. If you suddenly have the ability to do crap you couldn't before you touched the device, go back to the infirmary. Right now. I don't care how cool it is.

If you are not about to die and have a cool new abilities radio me, I wanna help you find out just how cool your new abilities are! (Just ask McKay-- we levitated a jumper! It was all very Yoda)

Avoid the science lab. If you have any kind of special ability McKay will put you to work. Trust me when I say, an afternoon doing calculations in the lab is paramount to torture.

Geeks

You are such an idiot! I can't even begin to describe how unbelievably DUMB you are! This is what happens when cousins marry!! This is the reason I scream at you about PROPER PROTCOL. Take heed of my words. insert insult here

REMEMBER there is a mental component to a lot of Ancient devices – your sub-consciousness is a sneaky one, it may be that you need to think a little harder – or go see the base shrink.

Go to the infirmary too. I know medicine is not a real science but, I happen to know that as far as rattling bones and shaking gourds, the medics here are really pretty good. I'm still alive, am I not?

If you are not moments from death, get you ass down to the lab. Once they're done removing your blood and turning you into a screen door, it's the REAL SCIENCE dept who will save your life. CONTRIBUTE.

If you can do things like levitate objects, read minds etc get DOWN TO THE LABS. You will be set to work. _I don't care if you're a geek or a goon_. If you can suddenly do advanced mathematical equations at lightning speed then get to work on the HUGE backlog of calculations we have.

THE GOLDEN RULE: don't touch Ancient devices.

Leave that to us

Brought to you by

Dr R. McKay and Lt Col Sheppard


	4. Chapter 4

suggestion from Sedrander, thank you. thanks to everybody who has left feedback - much appreciated by the bunnies.

Justlovetheworld -- when did i say this was over, hun? ;)

XXXXX

_Sheppard and McKay's guide to the Pegasus Galaxy: part 4_

"_So, you're turning into a bug?"_

First thing: START PANICKING

_--Sheppard, You can't write that!! (RM) But it's true!! (JS) eyeroll (RM) --_

_--Ignore him; he's just got issues with bugs (RM) RODNEY! Why you… (JS) --_

The rest of this publication is split into two sections, one for the 'Goons' and one for the 'Geeks'.

Goons

Did you READ the part about NOT touching stuff?!

INFIRMARY NOW! Faster than that. Run. Oh, look, a wraith, run faster!

If the good Doc lets you out of the infirmary, LOCK YOURSELF in your room. You are still a security risk… probably. Read a book, chill, play chess with yourself. Panic. Whatever you do, DO NOT go and see your friends. AT ALL. Especially if they're female.

Okay, I'll stop scaring you now. Sorry about that. Seriously though, TRUST your team. TRUST the good Doc. They WILL pull a Hail Mary out of the proverbial.

Be prepared for much apologising. You ARE going to lose your secret stash over this. You WILL have done something, said something or kissed something you wouldn't normally. APOLOGISE. Or Teyla will hand you your ass on a plate.

Geeks

1)… And, how did this happen? Hum? I'll tell you how. YOU LET him get DAMAGED! Contrary to popular theory, he is not a walking, talking Action Man. You cannot get a full refund – WATCH him much, much more carefully next time. In fact, don't let the fool out of your sight.

2) LABS NOW! As usual it will be up to real scientist… and Keller… to save the day. STOP PANICKING. He has not gone crazy and tried to kill you. Yet.

3) Be on the ball. Use the Life Signs Detector to keep an eye on him as you work to save his unworthy ass. If he starts climbing out windows and attacking people, YOU WILL be the first to know -- radio Ronon. He's good with guns.

4) DON'T GIVE UP HOPE. If plan A doesn't work, keep going until you've passed plan Z, and are now on plan A(b). Then take a break, drink some coffee, and go through the alphabet again. And again if necessary.

5) Enjoy the chocolate. Once he's fixed (and therefore no longer a Smurf), the colossal guilt he feels will provide you with at a least months supply of the best the chocolate the Milky Way has to offer. Also, be prepared for a heartfelt, drink fuelled, "You guys are the best!" being slurred your way. warmfuzzies

RONON'S ADDENDUM

Geeks… you'd better radio me, or you'll find yourself 'training' with me. glares

_Brought to you by_

_Dr R. McKay and Lt Col Sheppard _


End file.
